making the days count

Over the last few years, I've mused and pondered a lot on the things I do with my time, how I look back over the days/weeks/months/years. I used to look back on past days or weeks and feel like I hadn't done anything particularly exciting, new or interesting. And that was pretty depressing. So I would do even less.

I have come to the conclusion that, for me at least, there needs to be something different in my days to set them apart and not feel like the days are rolling into weeks, into months, into years. THAT'S just depressing. My calendar journal helps me with this, as it makes me think about even minorly interesting things that sets my day apart from the other 364.

Another tool that I began in order to help me make me feel like I'm doing and experiencing things, is a list. Yay! More lists! I can never have enough lists in my life.

Anyway. Since the start of this year, I have been making a note of every single new thing that I have done, seen, watched, read, whatever - no matter how minor, if I hadn't done it before, it goes on the list. And I'm quite surprised to note I have managed to fill a whole page in my notebook (which isn't that tiny actually) of new things for this month. I'm pretty pleased with this, and it cheers me up to see a whole list of things I've managed to try in the space of only one month, that I hadn't done before.

According to my list, during the month of January I:

☼ went to an antiques fair 

☼ dyed my hair red 

☼ got a tattoo on my arm

☼ started learning to knit

☼ watched a film whilst in the bath (this is the best! I just sit my laptop a safe distance away from the bath, and relax - it seriously is the future of bathtimes)

☼ ate smoked mackerel (told you I was even including the minor things)

☼ played L.A. Noire (this is an awesome game, I highly recommend it and I wouldn't consider myself a gamer)
☼ had my portrait taken

☼ visited Richmond Park

☼ started learning to use vector software

☼ wrote a guest post for another blogger

☼ went to a brass band concert (this was better than I expected!)

☼ watched two new films: Shutter Island and Jawbreaker

☼ read four new books: The Unconsoled, An Area of Darkness, Great Expectations and Vanity Fair

For once, looking back at the usually-dreaded month of January is quite inspiring. However, I am running out of time and things to try, so February's list might be considerably shorter than this. Especially as I will be back at work full-time from next week, so sadly I will have to spend most of my day writing apologetic letters to customers.

nice things (but not as nice as going out..)

Tonight I was supposed to go on a night out, for the first time in probably over a year (I can't even remember when I last went out). In a completely disappointing but not totally unexpected fashion,  my plans have been cancelled due to the heavy snow falling currently in the north of England. The local council is so organised (not) that I didn't see a single gritter until about 6 hours after it started snowing, by which point the main road in my village was so bad the police were in the process of closing it anyway. 

Normally I don't mind the snow, in fact I love it, but I do get really annoyed when it affects my plans in this way. Especially as this night was going to be pretty major. I was looking forward to seeing a crowd of people I haven't seen in ages, enjoying the freedom of being able to walk and dance, and wear two nice shoes instead of one nice shoe and an NHS ugly sister.

When I was in a relationship, going on nights out was not a major priority of mine. Frequently I'd make tentative plans and then, when it came to the crunch, I couldn't really be bothered, preferring instead to curl up on the sofa with a film or a book, maybe have a glass of wine and then go to bed. As well, we rarely had enough money to go on nights out - or, at least, there always seemed to be something else I/we would prefer to spend money on. Strangely, now I'm single I find myself wanting to go out more; it's not even something I've consciously made a decision to do, I just feel drawn to going out clubbing and, I suppose, being a bit hedonistic. Which isn't like me, with my middle-aged tendencies!

The below nice things are helping console me in my disappointment at not being able to go out tonight.

raspberry and apple bonbons. yumyum. 

 

 do I really need to explain this one? Keeping me in a good mood.

 got this DAB radio for Christmas and I love it. yes, it is playing Absolute 80's - and what?

 cosy socks, ohh yeah. These were another Christmas, but because of the bandage on my foot I've only been able to wear one sock until recently. They are lined with fleece all the way down, and are the comfiest things I;ve ever worn on my feet.

another gratuitous cat shot. He likes keeping me company on the bed. He won't know what's hit him on Monday when I go back to work full-time.

Got Ink? (Or, A Story of Permanence)

On Friday I did something I've been planning on doing for several months, and got tattooed. Two, to be precise. I know that, despite their increasing prevalence in mainstream society, many people are quite averse to tattoos, sometimes only because of the pain of having them done. Others are reluctant because of the permanence of the image and they hesitate to make such a commitment. 

 My latest tattoo, taken straight after it being finished. My arm is shiny because the tattooist covered it in Vaseline, I do not gleam like that naturally!

I, on the other hand, adore them. Don't get me wrong, I don't like all tattoos indiscriminately, nor do I like them for the sake of it being 'unconventional' or because it looks 'hard'. No, for me I admire the beauty in tattoos; what could be more beautiful than having a work of art on your own body, to carry with you wherever you go at all times? Yes, it's a work of art that can't be removed (most of the time), but it's a commitment I, at least, am prepared to make. We can never know whether what we do now will be regretted by our future selves, but on balance I think I'd rather make the jump for something beautiful now and risk getting bored of it, than look back on the past and wish I'd been brave enough.

While I can't speak from a huge amount of experience, having only had my first tattoo done in 2009, I do think that the reason behind the individual tattoo can be a factor in whether you tire of the tattoo or not. Both of my tattoos were done to mark different points of my life; not necessarily in celebration or mourning, but simply to acknowledge a change and to act as a pin against that part of the drawing board of my life. When I look at the first tattoo I had done, I am reminded of the things I was doing and thinking at that time, the changes I was going through and the meaning the image in particular had for me.

None of my tattoos (well, except a really teeny-tiny one I've just had done) have been done on a whim, and the images themselves had been pondered over and doodled for some time - with my first one, there was a period of two years between the initial sketch and actually getting it done! So I have had plenty of time to think about how much I want the tattoo, how it will look, and where I will have  it.

the teeny-tiny tattoo, on the back of my neck. Excuse the blurriness, it really is rather tiny.

Of course, it does also help to have an extremely experienced and talented tattoo artist! I would never have a tattoo done by someone I didn't trust nor have faith in the quality of their work. It's also important to go to someone with whom you feel able to discuss any tweaks or minor changes you want to the image. I think the process is a little similar to having your haircut, but on a larger scale; you're putting your trust in a (usually) complete stranger to make a potentially-quite-severe alteration to your physical exterior, and if that person is not approachable or not listening to your suggestions, then it might be better to find someone else who does.

My first tattoo; picture taken a few hours after having it done, in June 2009

Unfortunately, you can love an image all you want, there's no getting away from the fact that having a tattoo will 100% definitely HURT. How much it hurts depends on your individual tolerance/pain threshold, and I guess how good you are at distracting yourself from it. I find the black outline to be less painful than any colouring in/shading; I would say it actually feels very similar to epilating your legs, for anyone out there who is bothered enough (me included!) to have done such a thing. It's also quite an easy kind of pain to distract yourself from; for example, by focusing on your breathing, making light conversation (if the tattooist isn't concentrating too hard!), or finding something nice to look at in the vicinity. I have even found that it actually feels less painful when I can actually watch the tattoo being done - but that's just me, and I already know I'm quite weird so don't blame me if that particular tip doesn't work for you.

I thought that the tattoo I've just had done would sate my appetite, and the pain immediately afterwards did that job quite well. Now it's starting to heal though, there are little thoughts and voices in the back of my mind...... So, the questions now are, what to have next, and where?

a whole year has gone by

This time last year, I was in a bit of a poor place. There was little in my life I was happy with, and I was finding it very difficult to derive any enjoyment from anything as my life just consisted of working, sleeping and eating (ironically, the one thing I had at that time I was happy with, is no longer in my life).  

Before Christmas, I had seen a tutorial on a website for creating a perpetual calendar journal. The tutorial (you can find it here) was suggesting it more as a gift, but I saw its potential as a tool to help me out of my rut.

So I collected together some pretty postcards, coloured index cards and a box to put them all in. My own intention with this calendar journal was to try and record at least one positive thing about the day, as that was the problem I was experiencing at the time. I'm happy to say this did mostly work and, having kept up the journal for a year, I can say there have only been a handful of occasions where I have had nothing especially good to write about the day.

Having this journal has had two effects on my life. The first is that I have now got into a habit of noticing positive things about my day, no matter how minor they are - I recall one entry being about a particularly beautiful sunset. Even such small things, if you pay them enough attention, can be significant enough to have an effect on the rest of your day.

The second is that I did actually make an effort to do something outside of work, so that I would have something to write in my journal and therefore have some nice memories to look back on in years to come. This meant that, rather than coming home from work and going straight on the computer because I was too drained and fed up to do anything else, I took the time to go out for a short walk, or make the effort to cook something nice or try a new recipe. I tried to be in a place where my default position was one of doing something I enjoyed instead of just watching TV or surfing the net.

I'm really looking forward to the next year, as I'm sure I will have plenty more fun things to record in my journal, and it will be interesting to compare individual days against each other - particularly with my circumstances being so different now.

For the first time in several years, I am actually excited for what 2012 has in store for me.

Happy New Year!

I Haven't Weighed Myself For Four Years

It didn't happen entirely on purpose, I have to admit. When my then-boyfriend and I moved in together, we didn't have a set of scales and the flat we moved into wasn't furnished with any either. And, really, a set of scales was quite a low priority on the list of things we had to buy for the flat - like, you know, furniture, and cooking utensils. They got forgotten about for a while, then we moved again and I remember we still had no scales. However, there was always something more important that needed buying or doing or sorting out, so I never really got round to those scales.

So what could be construed as a feminist gesture, as a high-five to a positive body-image, was in fact borne out of laziness more than anything else. Perhaps not my finest moment, but as you can see it is possible to create a silver lining out of anything.

I would like to offer some justification, in that part of the reason for my laziness in buying the scales was that, well, I just didn't want them. I know I'm not overweight, and I like to think I have a reasonably attractive figure. And yet, those scales never had anything nice to say to me. From my late teens to my early twenties, I put on a lot of weight while still remaining more or less the same clothes size. This was probably mostly down to my curves filling out, but it still wasn't pleasant to see a higher number than the last time I looked. I began to see myself as a number of kilos, something to be reduced simply because I didn't want to be that heavy! How could I be? So many other girls I knew weighed less, so it was shameful to me that I was that much heavier. In addition, I knew I was very close to being classed as overweight on the BMI scale, and I didn't know then how inaccurate and unhelpful it was. It seems so silly and illogical looking at it now, and it is so strange how one's image can become so distorted over such a minor thing.

Over a few years, I learned a few things about my body. Some I realised during my period with a set of scales, others I have fully realised now I don't have access to any. I know now that my weight fluctuates a lot, and quite frequently. Another is that, no matter how much my weight changes, my actual size varies little.

Now, if and when I do monitor myself, I do it by checking how my clothes fit me. And I feel right now that my body is at its optimum size; it doesn't seem to want to shift upwards or downwards, regardless of how much or little care I am paying to myself at the time. My previous preoccupation was with my weight, and I have now learned to pay attention to myself as a whole. Fortunately, I didn't have to go through too many distorted thought-processes before I got there.

Ultimately, weight is just a number, as they say. However, I don't think I'll be buying a new set of scales any time soon.

Today I Sent an Email to a Writer I Have Admired for Many Years

It's a strangely discomforting thing; sending an email to someone who is to all intents and purposes a stranger, yet you feel you know them from the confessions and detail in their writing. Particularly when the purpose of emailing them is to tell them how much you admire them and how awesome you think they are. I was scared to begin, in fact I almost dec ided against it. Then, I almost wanted to preface the email with an apology for wasting her time. I think that must be a British thing. It's a habit I need to get out of, fact.

Then I told myself to stop and really think about what I was doing. In my job, I have to deal with complaints. Every. Single. Day. It seriously is a day to be noted when a complimentary letter comes through the magical waterfall of email communications.

The simple fact of the matter is that time is precious, and while people are often quick to spend their time composing a complaint in the hope of making something better, who wants to spend their time telling somebody they're doing fine, actually, so don't change a thing? Status quo, what ain't broke and all that.

However. That same person would probably be delighted to receive a compliment. Even without considering my bias of negatively-worded correspondence I deal with for a living, I personally am always lifted when, for example a stranger in the street compliments me on my clothing. In fact, it happened last week and my day was significantly cheerier for it. Not that I want to derail to a conversation about my fantastic style.

Everybody likes a compliment, and I do think it's such a shame that in society so much more emphasis is placed on a negative comment than a positive one. Saying nice things is, somehow, such an effort, like it's so much harder than giving a compliment. Is that because good = boring, non-event? I'm not sure. But I'm doing my bit to redress the balance in my life, at least. I have started to make an effort to show the people in my life how they are appreciated, because it is so easy to take the gestures of family and friends for granted. If somebody at work is looking particularly well-dressed or has a nice haircut, I will always tell them. At first I felt shy and awkward for saying so, but gradually it has become not just easy, but in fact one of my traits in that I will nearly always have something nice to say.

So I decided to practice this on a larger scale. A month or so ago I emailed a blogger I particularly admired, purely to express my love for her blog and her writing. Then, this evening, I finished reading a book I received as a Christmas present, by a writer whom I have followed and loved since I was a child. I loved that book so hard, I finished it in a matter of hours. It expressed everything I have thought and felt about many of the subjects covered, while at the same time being hilarious, endearing, and sometimes poignant.

The strong feelings I had about this book were sufficient enough to overcome my fear and hesitancy, and actually send an email to the author to say how much I loved her work. Did I feel more than a tiny bit vulnerable, revealing my admiration and respect to a complete stranger? Absolutely. But, at the end of it all, compliments are always appreciated, and it is Christmas. And I had two G&Ts in quick succession earlier.

And, if you were wondering about the book in question? It is How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran

Resolutions

Now that I've got my reflections about the past year out, it's time to look ahead. Yes, another list! New Year's resolutions, even though it's not the New Year yet. I've been thinking about them for the past month anyway, and it feels like an appropriate time.

1. Dip my toes into the world of internet dating. Not for a few months, at least until my toes are recovered enough for dipping - dates are not great on crutches! I'm not looking to find 'the one'; just hopefully meet some nice people, get out and about, have fun.

2. Take up an activity to help my general fitness; for example, yoga or dancing. These two I do want to have a go at (or, in the case of dancing, get back into) so I'm fairly confident this won't be one of those generic 'get fitter' resolutions that never get done.

3. Pay back debts. Fairly self-explanatory. Why would I even want clouds as black as those hanging over me? All being well, I should have them paid back by November 2012.

4. Go away somewhere for a weekend by myself. I'm plenty used to going on day trips by myself, and I often drive for hours on my own to stay with family. I've never actually stayed in a hotel by myself, though, and as I need a break this year I might as well go by myself. Even if it's only in this country.

5. Maintain current levels of fun in my life. This one should be easy, and in fact I'm pretty sure my fun levels will actually increase. I'm still going to make sure to take care of myself and spend time pampering myself, as well as going out and doing fun things with friends.

To make up for all those to-do lists...

..Well, at least going a little way to redress the balance. I am a BIG fan of lists. Of anything and everything. I make lists of my favourite songs, bands, movies, books, all sorts. I make hundreds of to-do lists; not even when I have loads to do, sometimes just because I'm bored at work and I'd rather write down the things I have/want/need to do outside of work than, you know, do work.

Anyway. In order to restore the equilibrium a little, and inspired by the first suggestion on Megan's post here (although actually,  her whole blog is pretty inspiring), I have created a Done list for the past year. I know it's not quite the end of the year yet, but I'm feeling reflective, and anyway, all I'm going to do for the next two weeks is eat chocolate, open presents and watch cheesy films. The list is perhaps not quite as crammed full as I'd like (and certainly nowhere near the size of my to-do lists!), but small victories and all that.


1. Saw one of my favourite-ever bands, Belle & Sebastian, play live. They were totally awesome. I almost cried with happiness, it was so perfect. The only imperfect moment was when, after trying to ignore my cider-pint-drenched bladder for a while, I made an urgent dash to the toilet. No, nothing embarrassing happened a la skirt tucked into knickers; but by the time I came out of the toilet, they were already halfway through my favourite song and I had to stand at the edge of the crowd and dance by myself. Completely bad timing on my part. :(

2. Got back into showjumping, coming first place in my class by the end of the season. This was a pretty big deal for me, as I was never particularly confident showjumping when I rode before. Milly has given me as much confidence as I have given her, and I think we both threw our little hearts into it completely over the summer.

3. Competed in my first ever one-day event. It wasn't so much of a 'proper' ODE as there was no real cross-country course, but it was a challenge just the same both for me and Milly as it was the first time for us. We met the challenge admirably, and ended up being placed 7th out of nearly 30 competitors - we missed out on a rosette by only one place!

4. Handled a complete change in my life and circumstances rather well, if I do say so myself. I actually never thought I would have to face the situation I faced... I thought, if the relationship was going to end, it would be me that ended it - and I certainly never thought I would be cheated on. So I never really knew how I would act, but if somebody had asked me I would have speculated that I'd probably take it quite badly. I am actually amazed at myself that I have come out of this feeling and behaving so rationally and positive, and I'd like to give myself a pat on the back. I'm not completely over it, but I'm well over the worst of it and things can only get better.

5. This isn't one specific thing, but it's something I made a conscious effort to work on this year and I'm pleased to say I have pretty much achieved it. In 2010 I realised much of my life followed the same old routine of go to work, come home, eat/watch TV, go to bed. Repeat. Even the weekends weren't that much better. So in 2011 I decided I needed to get out more, go to local attractions and out on day trips. I am pleased to report that I have completed this mission satisfactorily, and have many happy memories of going off to different places for the day, or even just going to an art exhibition in my lunch hour. Doing or seeing something a little different each day makes them stand out from the rest, and that's important to me.

Music feeds the soul

Music is always close to me, and I have always turned to it in times of trouble. It never fails to soothe me when I am feeling stressed or worried, and it never ceases to amaze me how much of an effect music can have on one's mood and overall wellbeing.

Despite the above, I couldn't bear to listen to any music whatsoever shortly after the break-up. Even my happier moments felt so delicate that I didn't want everything to come crashing down upon hearing a painful lyric or a song with personal meaning. Instead, I drove about in my car in complete silence, not even a talky radio station in the background, went to sleep to the sound of the wind crashing about, and put the TV on as background noise to my activities rather than the radio.

Even, a little later, when I wasn't feeling as weak any more, I didn't even have any desire to listen to music. Perhaps I still felt somewhat numb; I'm not sure any art form could have moved me or pleased me at that time. Silence was just preferable.

Fortunately, that passed after a couple of weeks, and I proceeded to make up for lost time by immersing myself in a choice few albums. I always find at periods like these of great personal reflection or growth that I tend to listen to certain albums extremely frequently; often, a certain album will be the only thing I play for a week or maybe more. It is comforting to become so familiar with the album, but I also like going back to the album some time later and being reminded of my feelings and thought-processes during that time.

Here is some of the music I was listening to during my getting-better phase:

The Pierces - You & I

I have read reviews of this album that describe the music as being middle-of-the-road. I'm not sure I would describe it as such, but then I'm not entirely sure how accurate my descriptions of music ever are! I like the emotiveness of the first track, and I find the music throughout slightly haunting and most definitely female. That's a good thing, by the way. I like that it is so emotional, but I still found in the end a positive, strong and inspiring feeling. I listened to this album pretty much all the time for about two weeks, and I still listen to it occasionally now.

Lana Del Rey - Video Games

This song was all over the radio shortly before we broke up, and at first I didn't like it very much. My feelings on it were that it was a bit drone-y, too slow and not very interesting. However, it grew on me and now I like it for possibly the very qualities I disliked in it at first; although now, I would describe it as languid and slightly seductive. I won't get into a debate about Lana's authenticity, as that's been done to death all over the internet and frankly I'm not very interested in it.

Ladyhawke - self-titled

This has always been a much-loved album, but I discovered new elements to it recently and got a lot more out of it. I have always had a weakness for 80's-style electro-pop and nearly all of the songs on this album are ultra-catchy. I liked it during this period for the strains of defiance running through the lyrics (particularly the lyrics to Better Than Sunday) and it definitely helped me to feel stronger and more self-assured.

Belle & Sebastian - The Life Pursuit (and other albums to varying degrees)

Belle & Sebastian is quite possibly my all-time favourite band ever, or at least in the top three (I do love making lists of my favourite things). This album never fails to cheer me up and feel a little bit more whole. It's usually the first thing I listen to whenever I'm feeling the slightest bit down, a musical cure-all. While some may consider this a bad thing, I genuinely do love the twee-ness of it all, and I like that some of the songs sound like the 70's but so much better, like without the bad clothes and haircuts.

Reawakened

It's been a long time since I've been here, but it's time to throw myself into this properly.

In the past two months, I have been dumped, moved out of my much-loved home and back to my parents, been reunited with an old and dear friend who swiftly departed again, become closer to newer friends, and been on my first ever blind date.

At least, all things considered, I got the cat.

I am not going to use this blog as a depository for bitterness. While this break-up was (is?) a big deal to me (we were together since before I turned 18, so all of my adult life), leaning on the negative emotions will get me nowhere. What I do write about the break-up on this blog will instead help me to figure things out and move on; not from him, which I am already in the process of doing, but move on in life in general, and in myself as a person.

The difficulty is not necessarily in missing him or getting over him, but in not being in a relationship. It is very strange to think of myself as a single girl, living with her parents. It is such an alien concept to me, labels I have not had to apply to myself for 5 or 6 years. I am still getting used to this new me, these new identities which I am growing into; at times it feels completely natural to be labelled as such, and others it jars and I am reminded of the life I had before, which now seems to be so far away.

While I was never the kind of girl to define herself solely as somebody's girlfriend, it couldn't be helped that the focuses of my life were based around the fact that I was in a relationship. Meals were bought and cooked that we both liked; I ate late in the evening so we could eat together. Furniture would be jointly chosen; budgets worked out together. Compromises made, decisions agreed upon. There was always one other person to consider in every decision made, and I never for one second thought of this as a burden, but instead enjoyed sharing my time and this life with somebody else. Even when I thought about my long-term career goals, and decided against certain options because it wasn't financially possible whilst in the relationship, I stuck through it and instead considered other, more viable alternatives.

Was that selflessness? It feels so weird to not have to consider another person's wellbeing and feelings in the choices I now face and the options that are now open to me. I guess it's now time to start being selfish - in a good way.