How I Avoided A Disaster

So, I used to think I was a ‘maternal’ person. You know, that it would just be a matter of time before I would have a family, and I would be this wonderful earth-mother type figure, with a loving family and friends all sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to take my home-baked bread out of the oven. Complete with home-made chutneys, made from our homegrown vegetables. Yep, the whole shebang.

I never spoke about this other than to my ex, because I was a little ashamed. In our feisty-female, independent-woman generation, I think it is sometimes viewed as a bit of a cop-out to want to start a family so young. What, you’re not even going to try to save the world before you pop a baby out? Having children is secondary, like you have to get all the other much more important things out of the way first, because once that bebé comes along you ain’t gonna have time for anything else unless you fancy tackling it whilst elbow-deep in sick and baby poo. Which I guess is kind of accurate.

I guess I made myself want that lifestyle because I was in a long-term relationship, living with my then-boyfriend we’d been together for ages, etc etc - so it seemed the next logical step and, acting of course with my best interests at heart, my brain convinced me into wanting it. The whole package. It’s good at doing that. I think my (subconscious) rationale was: I’m settled, there’s little chance of me going off and having adventures, so I might as well throw myself into the life I have and make the most of it.  

That was how I thought six months ago.

Now? No, thanks. I still love children (most especially my nieces and nephews), I enjoy spending time with them and their crazy minds – you can have better conversations with kids than you can with adults sometimes, and they look at things with a totally different mindset. I just don’t want any myself. Right now, and maybe not ever.

It’s taken me a lot of mulling over to realise this, and it takes a lot to admit it both here and to myself, because for so many years (ok, 5) my self-identity has been tied up with the image of being, at some point, a mother. Six months ago, I wanted children so much, the only thing stopping me (well, us, I thought) was financial stability.

Maybe I’ll change my mind. I do have a strong track record of doing that a lot. But now I’m single, I’m really appreciating having time, money and resources to spend on myself, and I just can’t imagine having children and giving up so much of my life, at least not for a very long time.

Until then, I’m saving my collection of Roald Dahl books for the first niece/nephew (tangent: why isn’t there a gender-neutral term for such relations?) who shows an interest in them. Or I’ll continue to read them myself, because, after all, they’re just awesome.

Snow and books, a good combination (The Book List)

I have another two books to tick off the list this week, on account of the snow we had over the weekend - there's nothing better to do in bad weather than curl up with a hot drink and a book.

Apart from going sledging and building snowmen. Which I also did.

 

 

I do like taking pictures of the snow.

But anyway. Onto more literary pursuits..

First up is the Diary of a Madman and Other Stories, by Nikolai Gogol. It's a collection of short stories, which I picked up at a carboot sale purely because the title sounded intriguing and short stories are always less of a commitment than a full-length novel. 

I'm not quite sure whether I liked these stories or not. They were certainly easy to read, but I didn't really get much sense of feeling or atmosphere from the author; that said, I liked the madness of most of the stories. Quite absurd and ridiculous, even while being mundane at the same time. I probably wouldn't read anything else of Gogol's though.

A Hungarian Quartet. Another carboot sale find I think, purchased purely because it featured Hungarian writers. I'm half-Hungarian and I'm always interested in the culture of my roots. I did attempt to learn Hungarian once but that fell by the wayside a long time ago, on account of the complex (to me) grammatical structures.

Anyway. Tangent! I liked this collection of stories more than Gogol's. Variously, there were interesting premises, engaging and atmospheric writing, emotions bubbling below the surface, and haunting and evocative imagery. Maybe I should take up learning the language again, so I can try read the stories in their original language...


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This is my first week back at work, so I'm trying to re-adjust my life to having less leisure time on my hands. I aim to continue blogging, though it will most likely be less frequently - I still aim to post 2 or 3 times a week though.

making the days count

Over the last few years, I've mused and pondered a lot on the things I do with my time, how I look back over the days/weeks/months/years. I used to look back on past days or weeks and feel like I hadn't done anything particularly exciting, new or interesting. And that was pretty depressing. So I would do even less.

I have come to the conclusion that, for me at least, there needs to be something different in my days to set them apart and not feel like the days are rolling into weeks, into months, into years. THAT'S just depressing. My calendar journal helps me with this, as it makes me think about even minorly interesting things that sets my day apart from the other 364.

Another tool that I began in order to help me make me feel like I'm doing and experiencing things, is a list. Yay! More lists! I can never have enough lists in my life.

Anyway. Since the start of this year, I have been making a note of every single new thing that I have done, seen, watched, read, whatever - no matter how minor, if I hadn't done it before, it goes on the list. And I'm quite surprised to note I have managed to fill a whole page in my notebook (which isn't that tiny actually) of new things for this month. I'm pretty pleased with this, and it cheers me up to see a whole list of things I've managed to try in the space of only one month, that I hadn't done before.

According to my list, during the month of January I:

☼ went to an antiques fair 

☼ dyed my hair red 

☼ got a tattoo on my arm

☼ started learning to knit

☼ watched a film whilst in the bath (this is the best! I just sit my laptop a safe distance away from the bath, and relax - it seriously is the future of bathtimes)

☼ ate smoked mackerel (told you I was even including the minor things)

☼ played L.A. Noire (this is an awesome game, I highly recommend it and I wouldn't consider myself a gamer)
☼ had my portrait taken

☼ visited Richmond Park

☼ started learning to use vector software

☼ wrote a guest post for another blogger

☼ went to a brass band concert (this was better than I expected!)

☼ watched two new films: Shutter Island and Jawbreaker

☼ read four new books: The Unconsoled, An Area of Darkness, Great Expectations and Vanity Fair

For once, looking back at the usually-dreaded month of January is quite inspiring. However, I am running out of time and things to try, so February's list might be considerably shorter than this. Especially as I will be back at work full-time from next week, so sadly I will have to spend most of my day writing apologetic letters to customers.

nice things (but not as nice as going out..)

Tonight I was supposed to go on a night out, for the first time in probably over a year (I can't even remember when I last went out). In a completely disappointing but not totally unexpected fashion,  my plans have been cancelled due to the heavy snow falling currently in the north of England. The local council is so organised (not) that I didn't see a single gritter until about 6 hours after it started snowing, by which point the main road in my village was so bad the police were in the process of closing it anyway. 

Normally I don't mind the snow, in fact I love it, but I do get really annoyed when it affects my plans in this way. Especially as this night was going to be pretty major. I was looking forward to seeing a crowd of people I haven't seen in ages, enjoying the freedom of being able to walk and dance, and wear two nice shoes instead of one nice shoe and an NHS ugly sister.

When I was in a relationship, going on nights out was not a major priority of mine. Frequently I'd make tentative plans and then, when it came to the crunch, I couldn't really be bothered, preferring instead to curl up on the sofa with a film or a book, maybe have a glass of wine and then go to bed. As well, we rarely had enough money to go on nights out - or, at least, there always seemed to be something else I/we would prefer to spend money on. Strangely, now I'm single I find myself wanting to go out more; it's not even something I've consciously made a decision to do, I just feel drawn to going out clubbing and, I suppose, being a bit hedonistic. Which isn't like me, with my middle-aged tendencies!

The below nice things are helping console me in my disappointment at not being able to go out tonight.

raspberry and apple bonbons. yumyum. 

 

 do I really need to explain this one? Keeping me in a good mood.

 got this DAB radio for Christmas and I love it. yes, it is playing Absolute 80's - and what?

 cosy socks, ohh yeah. These were another Christmas, but because of the bandage on my foot I've only been able to wear one sock until recently. They are lined with fleece all the way down, and are the comfiest things I;ve ever worn on my feet.

another gratuitous cat shot. He likes keeping me company on the bed. He won't know what's hit him on Monday when I go back to work full-time.

Portraits

I have now returned from visiting various family members in the south of the country, and a wonderful time I have had too. Nothing particularly exciting happened, which is good; I enjoyed simply catching up with people.

While in Wiltshire, my cousin and I collaborated to create some pretty photos. She is a fantastic photographer (though I will freely admit I am quite biased!), and I offered myself for her to practice shooting with her new lens and other equipment. You can visit her blog here for more technical specs that I don't totally understand, as well as more awesome photographs that don't have me in them.

This was actually a pretty big deal for me. I spent years of my life disliking being in front of a camera - literally running away from it most of the time. The only time I could bear having a photograph taken of me was if I was sat on a horse at the time. I think it just took me a terribly long time to get over the feeling-awkward-about-my-body stage of puberty. I've got over this for the most part (as evidenced by my outfit pictures), but I still feel pretty awkward in front of a camera operated by someone else. However, this being my year of reinvention, saying yes more often and all sorts of other ultra-positive manifestations of self-love (sorry, been reading too many self-help blogs...) I decided to bite the bullet, step out of my comfort zone and make the suggestion. 

Apart from anything else, it's just really nice to have such great-looking photos of my pretty dress. :) I may look to work with other photography people I know to get some more photos, so stay tuned!

No more words, here are some pictures

Dress: Primark (originally - bought second-hand) // Jacket: New Look

a whole year has gone by

This time last year, I was in a bit of a poor place. There was little in my life I was happy with, and I was finding it very difficult to derive any enjoyment from anything as my life just consisted of working, sleeping and eating (ironically, the one thing I had at that time I was happy with, is no longer in my life).  

Before Christmas, I had seen a tutorial on a website for creating a perpetual calendar journal. The tutorial (you can find it here) was suggesting it more as a gift, but I saw its potential as a tool to help me out of my rut.

So I collected together some pretty postcards, coloured index cards and a box to put them all in. My own intention with this calendar journal was to try and record at least one positive thing about the day, as that was the problem I was experiencing at the time. I'm happy to say this did mostly work and, having kept up the journal for a year, I can say there have only been a handful of occasions where I have had nothing especially good to write about the day.

Having this journal has had two effects on my life. The first is that I have now got into a habit of noticing positive things about my day, no matter how minor they are - I recall one entry being about a particularly beautiful sunset. Even such small things, if you pay them enough attention, can be significant enough to have an effect on the rest of your day.

The second is that I did actually make an effort to do something outside of work, so that I would have something to write in my journal and therefore have some nice memories to look back on in years to come. This meant that, rather than coming home from work and going straight on the computer because I was too drained and fed up to do anything else, I took the time to go out for a short walk, or make the effort to cook something nice or try a new recipe. I tried to be in a place where my default position was one of doing something I enjoyed instead of just watching TV or surfing the net.

I'm really looking forward to the next year, as I'm sure I will have plenty more fun things to record in my journal, and it will be interesting to compare individual days against each other - particularly with my circumstances being so different now.

For the first time in several years, I am actually excited for what 2012 has in store for me.

Happy New Year!

I Haven't Weighed Myself For Four Years

It didn't happen entirely on purpose, I have to admit. When my then-boyfriend and I moved in together, we didn't have a set of scales and the flat we moved into wasn't furnished with any either. And, really, a set of scales was quite a low priority on the list of things we had to buy for the flat - like, you know, furniture, and cooking utensils. They got forgotten about for a while, then we moved again and I remember we still had no scales. However, there was always something more important that needed buying or doing or sorting out, so I never really got round to those scales.

So what could be construed as a feminist gesture, as a high-five to a positive body-image, was in fact borne out of laziness more than anything else. Perhaps not my finest moment, but as you can see it is possible to create a silver lining out of anything.

I would like to offer some justification, in that part of the reason for my laziness in buying the scales was that, well, I just didn't want them. I know I'm not overweight, and I like to think I have a reasonably attractive figure. And yet, those scales never had anything nice to say to me. From my late teens to my early twenties, I put on a lot of weight while still remaining more or less the same clothes size. This was probably mostly down to my curves filling out, but it still wasn't pleasant to see a higher number than the last time I looked. I began to see myself as a number of kilos, something to be reduced simply because I didn't want to be that heavy! How could I be? So many other girls I knew weighed less, so it was shameful to me that I was that much heavier. In addition, I knew I was very close to being classed as overweight on the BMI scale, and I didn't know then how inaccurate and unhelpful it was. It seems so silly and illogical looking at it now, and it is so strange how one's image can become so distorted over such a minor thing.

Over a few years, I learned a few things about my body. Some I realised during my period with a set of scales, others I have fully realised now I don't have access to any. I know now that my weight fluctuates a lot, and quite frequently. Another is that, no matter how much my weight changes, my actual size varies little.

Now, if and when I do monitor myself, I do it by checking how my clothes fit me. And I feel right now that my body is at its optimum size; it doesn't seem to want to shift upwards or downwards, regardless of how much or little care I am paying to myself at the time. My previous preoccupation was with my weight, and I have now learned to pay attention to myself as a whole. Fortunately, I didn't have to go through too many distorted thought-processes before I got there.

Ultimately, weight is just a number, as they say. However, I don't think I'll be buying a new set of scales any time soon.

Today I Sent an Email to a Writer I Have Admired for Many Years

It's a strangely discomforting thing; sending an email to someone who is to all intents and purposes a stranger, yet you feel you know them from the confessions and detail in their writing. Particularly when the purpose of emailing them is to tell them how much you admire them and how awesome you think they are. I was scared to begin, in fact I almost dec ided against it. Then, I almost wanted to preface the email with an apology for wasting her time. I think that must be a British thing. It's a habit I need to get out of, fact.

Then I told myself to stop and really think about what I was doing. In my job, I have to deal with complaints. Every. Single. Day. It seriously is a day to be noted when a complimentary letter comes through the magical waterfall of email communications.

The simple fact of the matter is that time is precious, and while people are often quick to spend their time composing a complaint in the hope of making something better, who wants to spend their time telling somebody they're doing fine, actually, so don't change a thing? Status quo, what ain't broke and all that.

However. That same person would probably be delighted to receive a compliment. Even without considering my bias of negatively-worded correspondence I deal with for a living, I personally am always lifted when, for example a stranger in the street compliments me on my clothing. In fact, it happened last week and my day was significantly cheerier for it. Not that I want to derail to a conversation about my fantastic style.

Everybody likes a compliment, and I do think it's such a shame that in society so much more emphasis is placed on a negative comment than a positive one. Saying nice things is, somehow, such an effort, like it's so much harder than giving a compliment. Is that because good = boring, non-event? I'm not sure. But I'm doing my bit to redress the balance in my life, at least. I have started to make an effort to show the people in my life how they are appreciated, because it is so easy to take the gestures of family and friends for granted. If somebody at work is looking particularly well-dressed or has a nice haircut, I will always tell them. At first I felt shy and awkward for saying so, but gradually it has become not just easy, but in fact one of my traits in that I will nearly always have something nice to say.

So I decided to practice this on a larger scale. A month or so ago I emailed a blogger I particularly admired, purely to express my love for her blog and her writing. Then, this evening, I finished reading a book I received as a Christmas present, by a writer whom I have followed and loved since I was a child. I loved that book so hard, I finished it in a matter of hours. It expressed everything I have thought and felt about many of the subjects covered, while at the same time being hilarious, endearing, and sometimes poignant.

The strong feelings I had about this book were sufficient enough to overcome my fear and hesitancy, and actually send an email to the author to say how much I loved her work. Did I feel more than a tiny bit vulnerable, revealing my admiration and respect to a complete stranger? Absolutely. But, at the end of it all, compliments are always appreciated, and it is Christmas. And I had two G&Ts in quick succession earlier.

And, if you were wondering about the book in question? It is How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran

Resolutions

Now that I've got my reflections about the past year out, it's time to look ahead. Yes, another list! New Year's resolutions, even though it's not the New Year yet. I've been thinking about them for the past month anyway, and it feels like an appropriate time.

1. Dip my toes into the world of internet dating. Not for a few months, at least until my toes are recovered enough for dipping - dates are not great on crutches! I'm not looking to find 'the one'; just hopefully meet some nice people, get out and about, have fun.

2. Take up an activity to help my general fitness; for example, yoga or dancing. These two I do want to have a go at (or, in the case of dancing, get back into) so I'm fairly confident this won't be one of those generic 'get fitter' resolutions that never get done.

3. Pay back debts. Fairly self-explanatory. Why would I even want clouds as black as those hanging over me? All being well, I should have them paid back by November 2012.

4. Go away somewhere for a weekend by myself. I'm plenty used to going on day trips by myself, and I often drive for hours on my own to stay with family. I've never actually stayed in a hotel by myself, though, and as I need a break this year I might as well go by myself. Even if it's only in this country.

5. Maintain current levels of fun in my life. This one should be easy, and in fact I'm pretty sure my fun levels will actually increase. I'm still going to make sure to take care of myself and spend time pampering myself, as well as going out and doing fun things with friends.

To make up for all those to-do lists...

..Well, at least going a little way to redress the balance. I am a BIG fan of lists. Of anything and everything. I make lists of my favourite songs, bands, movies, books, all sorts. I make hundreds of to-do lists; not even when I have loads to do, sometimes just because I'm bored at work and I'd rather write down the things I have/want/need to do outside of work than, you know, do work.

Anyway. In order to restore the equilibrium a little, and inspired by the first suggestion on Megan's post here (although actually,  her whole blog is pretty inspiring), I have created a Done list for the past year. I know it's not quite the end of the year yet, but I'm feeling reflective, and anyway, all I'm going to do for the next two weeks is eat chocolate, open presents and watch cheesy films. The list is perhaps not quite as crammed full as I'd like (and certainly nowhere near the size of my to-do lists!), but small victories and all that.


1. Saw one of my favourite-ever bands, Belle & Sebastian, play live. They were totally awesome. I almost cried with happiness, it was so perfect. The only imperfect moment was when, after trying to ignore my cider-pint-drenched bladder for a while, I made an urgent dash to the toilet. No, nothing embarrassing happened a la skirt tucked into knickers; but by the time I came out of the toilet, they were already halfway through my favourite song and I had to stand at the edge of the crowd and dance by myself. Completely bad timing on my part. :(

2. Got back into showjumping, coming first place in my class by the end of the season. This was a pretty big deal for me, as I was never particularly confident showjumping when I rode before. Milly has given me as much confidence as I have given her, and I think we both threw our little hearts into it completely over the summer.

3. Competed in my first ever one-day event. It wasn't so much of a 'proper' ODE as there was no real cross-country course, but it was a challenge just the same both for me and Milly as it was the first time for us. We met the challenge admirably, and ended up being placed 7th out of nearly 30 competitors - we missed out on a rosette by only one place!

4. Handled a complete change in my life and circumstances rather well, if I do say so myself. I actually never thought I would have to face the situation I faced... I thought, if the relationship was going to end, it would be me that ended it - and I certainly never thought I would be cheated on. So I never really knew how I would act, but if somebody had asked me I would have speculated that I'd probably take it quite badly. I am actually amazed at myself that I have come out of this feeling and behaving so rationally and positive, and I'd like to give myself a pat on the back. I'm not completely over it, but I'm well over the worst of it and things can only get better.

5. This isn't one specific thing, but it's something I made a conscious effort to work on this year and I'm pleased to say I have pretty much achieved it. In 2010 I realised much of my life followed the same old routine of go to work, come home, eat/watch TV, go to bed. Repeat. Even the weekends weren't that much better. So in 2011 I decided I needed to get out more, go to local attractions and out on day trips. I am pleased to report that I have completed this mission satisfactorily, and have many happy memories of going off to different places for the day, or even just going to an art exhibition in my lunch hour. Doing or seeing something a little different each day makes them stand out from the rest, and that's important to me.

nice things

♥ my new favourite t-shirt. The reasons it's so awesome: it's got a panda on it, it's got sequins on it, it's super-soft and really light, and it flatters me lots. I am aware I've already mentioned this in my previous post, but I just can't get over how much win it is.

♥ my cat, Basil. As much as I love cats, I have always found his character too dog-like and sycophantic to really warm to. He was never my favourite cat, and I was never his favourite person.
Now, though, with all the upheaval in my life recently, I love his constancy, his sweet affectionate nature and devotion, and his little meows whenever he thinks I'm near. What I thought of as clingy neediness previously,  I now think of as sweet and endearing. It's been nice to have someone who has gone through all of this with me, even though he can't speak English (he makes up for it by speaking lots of Cat, though - extremely loudly and whenever he thinks I should be awake).

♥ my journal. Again, with so much in my life changing, I've written more in my journal in the last month than I have all year. At the start of this month, in part to mark this as a significant occasion and the start of something new, I bought myself a new journal and made sure to buy the prettiest I could find. It pleases me greatly just to look at it, it's such a lovely shade of pink (slightly deeper than in the above photo). The pages are gorgeous, too, different flowers and blooms and leaves all around the edges.
I feel like a teenager again, tucked away in my bedroom, on my bed listening to music and writing in my journal; but, right now, I don't think it's a bad thing, and I feel like I need it.



♥ my fluffy, sparkly, leopard-print dressing gown. It's not quite as tacky as it sounds, but it's not far off. The sparkles are quite subtle, and it's soft and snuggly and so so comfortable. I never wore dressing gowns in my old house, but I realised I needed something to cover up with when I moved back home because my usual night attire is pretty skimpy to say the least. And it's nice to have something snuggly to wear on lazy winter mornings, especially around Christmastime.



♥ being off work for the next two months. Although I have been finding my job less of a struggle lately, I would never say no to some time off! I think this operation has come at a most ideal time, giving me plenty of time for reflection on my goals and my future, as well as for educating myself. I can focus on me and the things I enjoy, without being stressed about targets targets targets.



♥ glittery nail polish. I have some sparkly gold polish from Models Own which I like so much and looks lovely and festive right now. I want some more sparkles for my nails, and I bought another Models Own polish (in Champagne); I liked it at first as it had a nice pinky sheen to it, but I've completely gone off it. It looks a bit too grown-up for me, a bit dull and boring. I'm now lusting after a more vivid shade of pink, and may have to buy it next time I'm in Boots.
A few months ago, sparkly nail polish would have been far too outré for me, but I'm increasingly starting to warm to slightly more outlandish styles. I've also just ordered online a bright pink polka-dot dress, for much the same reason.

Reawakened

It's been a long time since I've been here, but it's time to throw myself into this properly.

In the past two months, I have been dumped, moved out of my much-loved home and back to my parents, been reunited with an old and dear friend who swiftly departed again, become closer to newer friends, and been on my first ever blind date.

At least, all things considered, I got the cat.

I am not going to use this blog as a depository for bitterness. While this break-up was (is?) a big deal to me (we were together since before I turned 18, so all of my adult life), leaning on the negative emotions will get me nowhere. What I do write about the break-up on this blog will instead help me to figure things out and move on; not from him, which I am already in the process of doing, but move on in life in general, and in myself as a person.

The difficulty is not necessarily in missing him or getting over him, but in not being in a relationship. It is very strange to think of myself as a single girl, living with her parents. It is such an alien concept to me, labels I have not had to apply to myself for 5 or 6 years. I am still getting used to this new me, these new identities which I am growing into; at times it feels completely natural to be labelled as such, and others it jars and I am reminded of the life I had before, which now seems to be so far away.

While I was never the kind of girl to define herself solely as somebody's girlfriend, it couldn't be helped that the focuses of my life were based around the fact that I was in a relationship. Meals were bought and cooked that we both liked; I ate late in the evening so we could eat together. Furniture would be jointly chosen; budgets worked out together. Compromises made, decisions agreed upon. There was always one other person to consider in every decision made, and I never for one second thought of this as a burden, but instead enjoyed sharing my time and this life with somebody else. Even when I thought about my long-term career goals, and decided against certain options because it wasn't financially possible whilst in the relationship, I stuck through it and instead considered other, more viable alternatives.

Was that selflessness? It feels so weird to not have to consider another person's wellbeing and feelings in the choices I now face and the options that are now open to me. I guess it's now time to start being selfish - in a good way.

illness and woe

poorliness looks like this:

 requirements for surviving illness

cosy blanket, laptop and a warm sleepy cat neatly packaged together on my cheery yellow sofa

not pictured:   one [consumed] packet of Oreos, BBC 6Music on the radio