Tuesday, 28 February 2012

How I Avoided A Disaster

So, I used to think I was a ‘maternal’ person. You know, that it would just be a matter of time before I would have a family, and I would be this wonderful earth-mother type figure, with a loving family and friends all sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to take my home-baked bread out of the oven. Complete with home-made chutneys, made from our homegrown vegetables. Yep, the whole shebang.

I never spoke about this other than to my ex, because I was a little ashamed. In our feisty-female, independent-woman generation, I think it is sometimes viewed as a bit of a cop-out to want to start a family so young. What, you’re not even going to try to save the world before you pop a baby out? Having children is secondary, like you have to get all the other much more important things out of the way first, because once that bebĂ© comes along you ain’t gonna have time for anything else unless you fancy tackling it whilst elbow-deep in sick and baby poo. Which I guess is kind of accurate.

I guess I made myself want that lifestyle because I was in a long-term relationship, living with my then-boyfriend we’d been together for ages, etc etc - so it seemed the next logical step and, acting of course with my best interests at heart, my brain convinced me into wanting it. The whole package. It’s good at doing that. I think my (subconscious) rationale was: I’m settled, there’s little chance of me going off and having adventures, so I might as well throw myself into the life I have and make the most of it.  

That was how I thought six months ago.

Now? No, thanks. I still love children (most especially my nieces and nephews), I enjoy spending time with them and their crazy minds – you can have better conversations with kids than you can with adults sometimes, and they look at things with a totally different mindset. I just don’t want any myself. Right now, and maybe not ever.

It’s taken me a lot of mulling over to realise this, and it takes a lot to admit it both here and to myself, because for so many years (ok, 5) my self-identity has been tied up with the image of being, at some point, a mother. Six months ago, I wanted children so much, the only thing stopping me (well, us, I thought) was financial stability.

Maybe I’ll change my mind. I do have a strong track record of doing that a lot. But now I’m single, I’m really appreciating having time, money and resources to spend on myself, and I just can’t imagine having children and giving up so much of my life, at least not for a very long time.

Until then, I’m saving my collection of Roald Dahl books for the first niece/nephew (tangent: why isn’t there a gender-neutral term for such relations?) who shows an interest in them. Or I’ll continue to read them myself, because, after all, they’re just awesome.

Friday, 24 February 2012

wish list

 I am seriously considering buying this as an inspirational gift to myself..

I really like the idea of having an instant camera like this Fuji Instax Mini. Would I ever use it? That's a question for another day.

A heart jelly mould?  It's so ridiculous, I love it!