Reawakened

It's been a long time since I've been here, but it's time to throw myself into this properly.

In the past two months, I have been dumped, moved out of my much-loved home and back to my parents, been reunited with an old and dear friend who swiftly departed again, become closer to newer friends, and been on my first ever blind date.

At least, all things considered, I got the cat.

I am not going to use this blog as a depository for bitterness. While this break-up was (is?) a big deal to me (we were together since before I turned 18, so all of my adult life), leaning on the negative emotions will get me nowhere. What I do write about the break-up on this blog will instead help me to figure things out and move on; not from him, which I am already in the process of doing, but move on in life in general, and in myself as a person.

The difficulty is not necessarily in missing him or getting over him, but in not being in a relationship. It is very strange to think of myself as a single girl, living with her parents. It is such an alien concept to me, labels I have not had to apply to myself for 5 or 6 years. I am still getting used to this new me, these new identities which I am growing into; at times it feels completely natural to be labelled as such, and others it jars and I am reminded of the life I had before, which now seems to be so far away.

While I was never the kind of girl to define herself solely as somebody's girlfriend, it couldn't be helped that the focuses of my life were based around the fact that I was in a relationship. Meals were bought and cooked that we both liked; I ate late in the evening so we could eat together. Furniture would be jointly chosen; budgets worked out together. Compromises made, decisions agreed upon. There was always one other person to consider in every decision made, and I never for one second thought of this as a burden, but instead enjoyed sharing my time and this life with somebody else. Even when I thought about my long-term career goals, and decided against certain options because it wasn't financially possible whilst in the relationship, I stuck through it and instead considered other, more viable alternatives.

Was that selflessness? It feels so weird to not have to consider another person's wellbeing and feelings in the choices I now face and the options that are now open to me. I guess it's now time to start being selfish - in a good way.